Hello everyone. It's been I while.

I want to talk here about my absence for the past couple of months. I don't even know where to start. I just want to skip the depressive talk first because I don't want to annoy you and second because remembering it, seems to bring it all back again.

I don't know why it happened, but by the middle of december I kind of freaked out. I was constantly paranoid and completely afraid of some stupid things. This fear kept me away from everything that kept people near me. It started with telephones, and eventually got to the internet. I did had some trouble with telephones before, but nothing compared with what I had this time. I couldn't talk about it. People who live with me still don't know what I've been through. I don't show it. I didn't want people to know. I didn't want to admit that I was going through something beyond my control and that it would harm me. Even now I have trouble accepting it. I still think it sounds ridiculous to be scared to death when a cellphone rings, or to have the same fear of reading a simple email. Believe me when I say it was true fear. I know these things won't do me no harm. But there must be a reason why they scare me so much. I just don't know why.

Of course it wasn't only these fears. I had thoughts. Not nice thoughts. The ones that made life seem unbearable. But I want to keep them off of my head. I feel a bit better now. But I fear one day I'll go through all it again. And if next time it gets even worse, I don't know If I'll stand it.

Anyway ... I'm slowly getting back to life. This week I finally used the computer without that horrible impression that something really bad would happen. I'm not a 100% yet, but I'm trying.

What makes me more sad is that I had this problem while I had things unfinished with other people. I can screw up my life, but I HATE when someone looses something because of me. They have nothing to do with my personal problems. It's not fair with them. I just hope I can finish what is unfinished and that everybody ends ok. I can finally say this whithout adding it to the list of things that makes me a terrible person. (I'm also working on the horrible image I've made of myself. Deep down I know I'm not that bad ... at least now I can see that.).


This is the only journal I update, so I decided to post this here. Sorry to bother you with such a subject.

If I can make a late wish for 2012, I want to never go through this again.